Leave, Cleave, & Weave

Genesis 2:24-25

"That is why a man will leave his father & mother and will be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man & his wife were both naked, but they weren’t ashamed of it."

For me, this is the cement, epoxy, or gorilla glue of a healthy marriage. In the Genesis 2 poem, the writer concludes by describing how beautiful the bond between two people can be. 

Shortly after we were married, the pastor of the church we were at in Louisville, Kentucky told us that when he counseled for marriage he would counsel based on this passage which if put in our words might read: leave, cleave, & weave together. This really resonated with me mainly because it made sense.

Obviously this passage can't be read literally because who would Adam & Eve left from? This is strong advice on finding a soulmate as well as blowing away the common misconceptions that have been placed on religious marriages throughout time. Let me tell what I mean and then over the next few weeks I will go over them individually.

Leave - Two people meet, find commonality, fall in love, & start a new life together with the hope of growing old together. The first challenge that can happen in a marriage is when the family (on both sides) tries to graft in this new couple. Most parents want the best for their children yet when they do not let their children start their own life together, it has the potential to hurt the new relationship. Metaphorically, it's like telling the bird to fly the coupe but there is a string attached to the bird's foot so it can only go so far & can still be controlled. Many times young couples are made to feel guilty if they don't attend holidays, special events, or past family commitments. Young couples are put in the middle of each set of parents that want to see them and carry on past family traditions (Thanksgiving & Christmas are where the struggle is most prevalent, "Who's house will we go to, your parents or mine?").

Cleave - This aspect of marriage is learning to live with one another. We all have our idiosyncrasies that we have to work out. This is where the marriage goes from romance to reality. This is dating & exploring & fighting & forgiving & supporting & encouraging & learning what love really is. Learning to cleave can either make or break a marriage. This is where the for better or worst part of the vows comes along. This is learning to navigate through different stages of marriage like pets, children, death of parents, job changes, daily schedules, etc. This is the time where a couple learns they aren't single anymore, now they have someone else to think about before they make a decision. Cleaving is where the journey really begins.

Weave - You know you're beginning to weave together when you can answer each others questions before they're asked. You weave together when you match clothing but not trying to (like same colors but dressed at different times not knowing what the other had on). You weave together when you care more for your spouse than you do yourself. You weave together when you come up with your own family traditions. You weave together when a cycle of love & respect takes the place of selfishness. You weave together each year that you are together & you look back and it's been over 20 years together. You weave when you both start to look alike (you know what I'm talking about here, it's the old couples that just look alike). If God has been a part of your marriage, the weaving together has been a chord of 3 strands that is stronger than you could ever have imagined. This is a life of deep love that can't be explained, only enjoyed.

So if you've ever heard that the man is the head of the house and is to rule over his wife, my advice is chunk that. The two become one is straight from the beginning of the scriptures & should be the goal in marriage. The goal is to lift one another up not lord over one another. This means that both people have strengths & weaknesses and to become one is to learn to depend on each other's strengths & help one other with weaknesses. 

May God help you to leave, cleave, & weave together as one.

Cheerleaders

Last week was the guy's challenge so this week I want to offer a challenge for wives.

Do you remember when you first dated or even when you got married? Do you remember telling your friends how great this man was that you now loved? Do you remember how he was your "Prince Charming", your "Night in Shining Armor", your "Superstar", or whatever your dream man was? Do you remember how you wanted to be your best for him & how you laughed at his stupid jokes & how you dreamed of spending a life together?

In other words, you were his greatest cheerleader & didn't even realize it or maybe you did.

You made him feel like he was the big man on campus, no matter what his stature was. When you gave him your love, when you gave him your heart, when you flashed your smile, when you dressed to impress him; there was no one that captured his attention more. There was no wall he wouldn't have walked through just to get to you. You became the apple of his eye.

So this week, no matter where life has taken your relationship, try to be his biggest cheerleader again. Tell him how great he is but don't lie. This means you may have to look intentionally for his good traits instead of looking at where he falls short. Be his cheerleader this week. Tell him how special he is, dress nice for him, flash your smile, surprise him in ways you did early in your marriage, make him feel like the big man on campus again.

Often men don't show their emotions & try to be tough & try to be the head of the house but what they really need is a cheerleader. They still need to know that somewhere in them is that "Knight in Shining Armor" that is there to save the day. Your husband needs your love more than he's probably willing to tell you so give him your unadulterated love this week. Meet his needs & his desires like only you can. Tell him again & again how much you really do love him & are thankful for his companionship. Help him see you as the apple of his eye once again.

Husbands, Love Your Wife

In the bible when Paul was writing to the church in Ephesus, he had these words to say to the married men there:


"Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply, purely, & sacrificially that we can understand it only when we compare it to the love Jesus has for His bride, the church. We know He gave Himself up completely to make her His own, washing her clean of all her impurity with water & the powerful presence of His word. He has given Himself so that He can present the church as His radiant bride, unstained, unwrinkled, & unblemished—completely free from all impurity—holy and innocent before Him. So husbands should care for their wives as if their lives depended on it, the same way they care for their own bodies. As you love her, you ultimately are loving part of yourself (remember, you are one flesh). No one really hates his own body; he takes care to feed & love it, just as the Anointed takes care of His church, because we are living members of His body. “And this is the reason a man leaves his father and his mother and is united with his wife; the two come together as one flesh.” There is a great mystery reflected in this Scripture, and I say that it has to do with the marriage of Jesus & the church. Nevertheless, each husband is to love and protect his own wife as if she were his very heart, and each wife is to respect her own husband."
I love Paul's words here because he's helping men to understand just how important it is to love their wives. He is telling men to think about their wives as much as they think about themselves. He tells men that their commitment of love & marriage should be deeper for their wives than even taking care of themselves. The way Paul compares marriage & church is meaningful because he's saying when two people become one, love reaches the deepest level because it's sacrificial & unconditional.

So for the men this week that may be reading this, a few questions for you. Are you loving your wife as if your life depended on your love for her? Are you loving your wife as much as you worry about having a great body? Are you putting in the same kind of time with your wife that you put in at the gym working out? Are you sacrificing your needs & desires for her needs & desires?

You may be willing to take a bullet for your wife but are you willing to do the dishes, laundry, watch the kids, cook dinner or other things that your wife may be doing? This is what sacrificial love is, the little daily things that you could do to make her life better.

Most of all what I love about this passage is that Paul points out that two people become one & it's a great mystery. Two become one - this means that both are equal in the relationship. The husband is not to rule over his wife nor is the wife to rule over her husband. The two become one. This is what makes a great marriage. When two people can love, honor, & respect each other for who they are without being oppressive towards their spouse. This is marriage at it's finest and maybe one of the reasons that couples start to look like each other as they get older. They've literally & physically become one.

It seems to me that the greatest accomplishment a man can have is to have a partner to go through life with. To be able to serve that partner faithfully for years and grow closer than either could have imagined was possible.

So men, this week love your wife like never before. Blow her mind by doing things for her that she normally does. Treat her like the queen you believed she was when you first met. Be creative or better yet, just be there for her however she needs you.

New Year, New Choices, New Marriage

2015 is officially here so this is #1 of 52 ideas for a better marriage. 

Write down your story. Get off Facebook, put your smartphone down, turn off the TV, send the kids to a friends house or get a babysitter & write down the story of how you met & why you fell in love. Get away from the house if you need to. Go to a restaurant for dinner and take some paper and pens and talk about it together.

I read about mine & Giva's first date and the night I proposed to her. She had written it all down when it happened 24 years ago. It's hard to believe how blessed we've been with our marriage. When I remember the loss of my first love, the pain of persevering through that time in my life, and then God giving me the desire of my heart through my wife, I know that our story is much bigger than us. And the thing is, your story is much bigger than the two of you as well.

Reading those stories made me fall in love with her over & over & over again. I believe the same will be happen to you as well if you'll invest in your marriage & put it above things that don't matter, like a TV show aside for a little while.

Go back to when you were passionate about each other. Relive that special date, that first kiss, your wedding ceremony, your honeymoon. Think about how the two of you were before you let life get in the way. 

Maybe part of the reason two people lose love as the years go on is because they just quit investing in each other. Maybe the way to revitalize your marriage is to go back to the beginning & remember why you wanted to spend your lives together. Recall how the two of you smiled so much your face hurt. Recall how you were full of life & energy. Remember what it was like to look in each other's eyes and completely ignore the rest of the world during those moments.

Now after you've written out your stories, go find a private room & celebrate your recollection of a beautiful beginning to your marriage.

Always & Forever

When I was a young man the group Heatwave had what is probably my favorite love song of all time, Always and Forever. I dreamed of a woman that I could sing this to, well at least in theory.

Love is something I think each of us want. Even (maybe more) the most evil people in the world are craving to have someone love them deep down inside. Love is the most precious gift any of us can receive or give. One writer in the past even was so bold to say that "if a person doesn't love they don't know God because God is love."

Think about that for a moment, God is love. Love is God. How awesome is that? To think that when we see love in action we're seeing God in action. When we see a couple in love, we're seeing a couple in God. That may sound a little weird but to think that the creator of the universe is in the middle of two people is freaking awesome. The power that can be generated between two people in love / in God is endless.

I didn't realize years ago when I was listening to this song that I would truly fall in love with a woman that was the epitome of this song. I hoped that one day I would meet such a woman but never believed it would be as great as the relationship that I have with my wife almost 24 years later.

So to Giva Conner, the love of my life, I will love you always & forever.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QuBEW2bWzc

Always and forever, each moment with you
Is just like a dream to me that somehow came true
And I know tomorrow will still be the same
'Cause we've got a life of love that won't ever change and

Everyday love me your own special way
Melt all my heart away with a smile
Take time to tell me you really care
And we'll share tomorrow together
I'll always love you forever, forever

There'll always be sunshine when I look at you
It's something I can't explain just the things that you do
And if you get lonely phone me and take
A second to give to me that magic you make and

Everyday love me your own special way
Melt all my heart away with a smile
Take time to tell me you really care
And we'll share tomorrow together
I'll always love you ever, ever

Loving you is the thing that I've planned
For a very long time
Me with you, you with me, we as one
Love together for a very long time
Loving you, you, baby

Always, forever love you
Always, forever love you
Always, forever love you

I said, "Forever love you, love you"
Ever and the day and one day
Loving you, you, you, you, you
Forever, tomorrow's tomorrow

Ever and a day, ever and a day
Ever, everyday, yeah, you
Loving you forever, ever, you, you

Forever